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Marriage Jokes

Marriage Jokes, Wedding Jokes, Enjoy Marriage Wedding Jokes. Jokes on Marriage
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  1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
  2. There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
  3. A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
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  4. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
  5. A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
  6. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
  7. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
  8. Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!
  9. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
  10. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
  11. Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.
  12. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
  13. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
  14. What is the difference between a marriage and a war?
    A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!
  15. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
  16. Bad Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like miniature handcuffs....."
  17. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !
  18. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
  19. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  20. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.
  21. Why is Hillary upset?
    Because she may have been the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST!
  22. Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. this widow had a grown up daughter. My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married. This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. See below how:
    My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
    After a few years I bacame father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!
  23. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  24. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
  25. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.
  26. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
  27. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley
  28. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
  29. My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
  30. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

  31. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
  32. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
  33. The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
  34. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
  35. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  36. Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
  37. A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
  38. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
  39. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
  40. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
  41. A lady inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  42. My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
  43. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
  44. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
  45. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.
  46. Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
  47. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
    Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
  48. If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. - Chekhov
  49. Marriage is a rest period between romances.
  50. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
  51. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late!"
  52. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
  53. Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
  54. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
  55. Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
  56. A man tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and he had to return the unused part for his full refund!
  57. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God forbid.
  58. Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter."
  59. Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
  60. Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde
  61. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison
  62. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
  63. Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken
  64. Ram: "My wife has the worst memory".
    Shyam: "Does she forget everything?"
    Ram: "No, She remembers everything".
  65. Radha: "What do you use to clean utensils?"
    Kishna: "My husband is the best in cleaning utensils".
  66. Radha: "What is the main reason for divorce?"
    Kishan: " Marriage".
  67. In response to a classified Ad: " Wife wanted", a man received thousands of responses saying, "You can have mine."

Love and marriage

  1. Love is holding hands in the street.
    Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
  2. TV has no place in love.
    Marriage is a fight for remote control.
  3. Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant.
    Marriage is a take home packet.
  4. Love is talking about having children.
    Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
  5. Love is cuddling on a sofa.
    Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
  6. In love you go to bed early.
    After marriage, you go to sleep early.

Marriage and Bollywood

  1. Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
    Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
  2. Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
    Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
  3. Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
    Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
  4. Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
    Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
  5. Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
    Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Other Real Life Jokes

Following are the real incidents that have become jokes.

  1. A new computer engineer from India went to USA on his company's assignment. On his first visit to a Supermarket, at the checkout, the girl at the counter asked him,"paper or plastic". [She meant, whether he wants a paper bag or a platic bag].
    The boy couln't understand what she was asking. He replied, "I am new, I don't have credit card, I brought some travellers check." [He thought she was asking whether he will pay by cash (paper) or credit card (plastic)!]
  2. The same boy goes to a fast food shop and ordered someting. The girl at the counter asked him,"here or to go". [She meant whether he will eat at the restaurant or he will take away.]
    The boy couldn't understand what she was asking. He replied, "You see, I have just come on a H1B visa for one year. I don't know whether it will be extended or not. So I don't know, I will be here or to go back!" [He thought she was asking whether he will be living in USA or going out!]

Marriage Jokes, Wedding Jokes, Enjoy Marriage Wedding Jokes. Jokes on Marriage